I’ve actually made people who drive with me sick to their stomach when It comes time to search for a parking space. However, I chalk that up to the privilege of being driven to their destination by yours truly.
See, I have my own set of rules about where I park. Why? Because I hate all those little dents and dings caused by inconsiderate members of the human race who throw their car doors open without thinking about the consequences to others. I have special names for them which I won’t mention here because I happen to be a classy guy.
So….if you’re driving with me and we happen to pull into a parking lot searching for a spot, you’re going to have to tolerate what some may consider to be irrational behavior. I’m obviously not one of those people but I suppose I can understand the thought process of those who feel that way.
1. I will typically not park close to the store I’m visiting because there are too many cars with too much activity in close proximity to entrances. Besides, I don’t mind walking. Other people in my car may feel differently but hey, my rules, remember?
If the lot is crowded and it’s not possible to be isolated from other vehicles, I will ride around until someone in the car gets motion sick or I find an end spot so there is no one parked on one side of me, thereby reducing my chances of being dinged by 50%.
2. I will not park next to a two door vehicle. Two door vehicles typically have longer doors, which, when opened by those who don’t understand the simple concept of length and width, increase your chances of being dented.
3. I will not park next to a vehicle whose front wheels are turned because when they decide to begin backing out and have forgotten to straighten out said wheels, they will crash into my car, leaving more than an annoying ding before driving off into oblivion.
4. I will not park next to a handicapped spot. No offense, but those spots are usually taken by a small percentage of older folks who throw their doors open before exiting the vehicle. If their door happens to bounce back to them after slamming into the car next to them, they’ll throw the door open again, repeating the process until their door has jammed nicely into the vehicle they’ve damaged, at which point they will exit their own car, close their door and walk away as if nothing unusual has happened. I’ve seen that little scenario play out way too often.
5. I will not park next to a car who looks like it just took part in a demolition derby contest. The reason for that should be obvious and require no further elaboration.
6. I always back into a space so I can drive out instead of backing out. Backing out of spaces in a busy parking lot is like begging for an opportunity to file an insurance claim.
7. Vans are usually a safe vehicle to park next to because they have rear doors that slide open, which eliminates the danger of the unsupervised and out of control child who is anxious to get into the car so they can continue playing their video games while continuing to suck down the box of sugar treats they just bought at the store.
8. If I park in a spot that is a distance away from everyone else so that you have a choice of spots around me for at least thirty yards in any direction and for some reason unknown to mankind, you decide to park right next to me, I can only assume you’re trying to be a smart ass, at which point I cannot be responsible for my reaction to your misguided comedic attitude. I can’t go into further detail on advice from my legal team.
So those are my rules. Sorry if I bored you with them but there are a fair amount of you out there and so I thought I’d deliver this message as a public service announcement. That way you can spread the news to others, who can do the same. Before you know it, we may actually see a world of parking lots with cars that are nicely spaced apart and no danger of creating those annoying little dings and dents.