Eaten Alive………. Jersey Style

While most people might use the month of December to get into the holiday spirit by shopping for gifts, decorating their homes or attending any number of parties, Paul Rosalie has decided it might be a nice idea to throw a little extra spice into the party punch and be eaten alive by an Amazonian anaconda. Are you in the holiday spirit yet?

For those of you not familiar with an anaconda snake, they average 20 feet in length and weigh in at about 300 pounds. The largest anaconda ever recorded was 28 feet long and over 500 pounds. They typically eat their prey by wrapping themselves around their victim and strangling them before swallowing them whole. Apparently, Mr Rosalie took the Jonah and the Whale story literally. Who knew reading the bible would lead to reality television? Should have seen that one coming a few thousand years ago.

It’s not known for sure whether an anaconda can eat a full size human being because of the shoulder width involved but Mr. Rosalie seems determined to give the holiday wheel of fortune a little spin. Of course he’s taking precautions. He plans on wearing a specially designed “snake proof” suit with a cord on the top so he can be pulled out of the snake after he takes a good look around, snaps a few pictures, breaks out a picnic lunch and plants a flag. (Doesn’t everyone plant a flag when exploring?) Now, I’m all for people trying new things and exploring their inner Evil Knievel, but this seems a little extreme on the surface.

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Except for one thing. Paul Rosalie is from New Jersey. And everyone knows there isn’t an anaconda alive that’s a match for a Jersey strong naturalist. If attitude means anything the anaconda will spit him out before anyone has to try and pull him out. People from Jersey have an undeserved reputation for being unfriendly, rude, difficult and standoffish. None of that’s true of course but we let the rest of the country believe it and laugh at your ignorance because it humors us. It’s also been proven that anaconda’s can smell attitude and have always been fearful of a ride to the Pine Barrens with Silvio and Paulie Walnuts so my guess is the anaconda will cooperate with Mr. Rosalie’s little holiday adventure.

However, what I found equally interesting is that no one cares whether or not crazy Mr. Rosalie makes it out of the anaconda’s belly, but the people from PETA and A Change.org are in an uproar because they’re afraid the snake would use up too much energy swallowing and regurgitating our man of the hour. There are thousands upon thousands of signatures on a petition to prevent him from harming the snake but not one to prevent Mr. Rosalie from harming himself. I wonder if it would make a difference if he was from somewhere other than New Jersey. Maybe then some people might actually care.

As an example, what if he was from California?

I’m stoked, dude. There’s a Sigalert for the carpool lane on the south 5. It’s pretty gnarly out, bro. It’s double overhead today. Hella, this industry like the burger is bomb. I’ll take number 2, animal style.  

Nah. I mean really. Who would care about someone who spoke like that. I’d offer the dude up without the snake proof suit.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Rosalie. Can’t wait to see the picture of you and that oversized reptile on your holiday greeting card.

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